shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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