I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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