Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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