I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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