Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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