I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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