I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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