why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
he's single and there are thong briefs.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
