Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
