this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
