Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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