There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My vagina is officially offended.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
