If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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