Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
