Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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