i would punch a child for taco bell
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
