I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Randomize
