When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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