Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
