so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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