You work out of a Hotel?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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