even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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