i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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