So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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