I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
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Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
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When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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