I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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