you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
