the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
