i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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