i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Found the puke drawer
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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