Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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