I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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