This is not my ceiling
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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