My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
