On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
