I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
