Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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