I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
