Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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