You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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