you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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