Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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