my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I checked into jail on foursquare
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
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