Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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