Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
