I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
