NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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