and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
