Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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