Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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