I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
