A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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