He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
