I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
