It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
