I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
