I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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