you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
