I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
