Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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