Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Randomize
