if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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